For the most part, I consider myself to be a modern woman. I pay my own bills, I have my own (rented) flat, I can look after myself and I can even spend time on my own with out any problems. But there is one area that I think I feel like I may have a bit of a more traditional/old fashioned outlook, and this is dating.
I’ve been single now for about 4 months, and whilst I’m not in any hurry to find a boyfriend and lose some of my new found independence, I figure that there is no harm in looking. So I have signed up to a couple of dating sites to have a look what is available “on the market” at the moment. I have messaged a few guys and received a few as well, but I can help but feel a little frustrated by it sometimes.
Of course I have had a few weird messages, it seems to be part of the experience unfortunately. But there are other creatures that I have come across that are hard to define.
I have come across a few guys that are like this: “thanks for your message, you seem really nice but… I’ve recently met someone so will be deleting my profile soon.” and you seen that a few weeks later, they are still logging in.
You get the ones where conversation is extremely painful, like getting blood out of a stone, then they wonder why you aren’t replying any more. My theory is, if you can’t have a decent conversation in text form, then verbal is going to be even worse, surely?!
Then you have the ones you actually manage to get on with, you go on a date, they tell you how they really like you, how they would love to meet up again. Then you hear nothing from, or you do, but not a lot. Then when you’ve moved on to talking or even going on dates with someone else, they seem put out.
This is the part where I’m more traditional I suppose. I don’t want to be the one making all the effort to contact a guy. My philosophy is, if he is interested, he will do all he can to make sure he stays in touch. Even if our schedules are clashing, with technology how it is at these days, there isn’t really much excuse for not keeping in touch. Even if it’s just the one message to explain that things have been hectic or what have you.
If I like a guy, I do tend to go into contact overload. I text a lot, even if I haven’t heard from them since the last one I sent (we are talking gap of a day rather than minutes). But I am starting to feel like this makes me seem desperate or something. Is it crazy for me to feel like I’m wanted.
I happen to think I’m a damn good catch, and once it’s obvious that we mutually appreciated each others company, I shouldn’t have to chase after men, it should be the other way around!
I saw this somewhere on the internet the other day, and it felt like it summed it up quite well for me.
Is this a bit of an old fashioned view point? I don’t know, maybe. But I know that I refuse to do the chasing any more. I am getting too long in the tooth to be wasting my time on men that make it feel like they aren’t bothered. Regardless of what they say. Actions speak louder than words.
Maybe I’m just being too sensitive to these things and I need to learn to chill out a lot more.
Something I keep hearing, when it comes to dating and relationships, is that you project how you feel about yourself on to the person you end up dating. Or another way of putting it, you are only attracted to people who see you as you do or treat you the same way you treat yourself. Am I making sense?
I didn’t think this was true, thought I had my own control over things when it comes to men I’ve dated. But if I’m honest with myself. All my relationships and the few men I have dated, or been interested in, are to go by. Then I do not hold myself in very high regard.
Of course, every guy I have had any kind of feelings for or dated for a while (I have been engaged once) had something about their personality that I was attracted to. But I have come to realise, what they were like as a package, or some of the reasons I have given for breaking up with them, are the things I don’t like about myself.
Now I know that things are not black and white. There are all kinds of grey areas in between and many reasons why a relationship doesn’t work out. But off the top of my head I can think of a few examples of when this has happened:
The guy that never wanted to choose how we spent our time together which drove me crazy. But… I can be incredibly indecisive. So wouldn’t have a clue anyway.
The guy that saw my dieting as an inconvenience and so I didn’t feel supported. However, I constantly sabotage myself. How is that supporting my own efforts?
Those are only a couple of examples but on a general level I wonder. How am I going to meet someone who supports me if I don’t support myself.
Or find someone who has ambition and drive for their work when I feel so unmotivated with mine?
I do feel like if I’m going to start dating again all I am going to do is whinge. I need to, literally, sort my life out. Find who I am as a single woman and make some positive changes. I’ve already moved into a place to call home. Next step is getting back on the diet. Then the focus can shift to my career. The next time I go on a date, I want to be able to rave about the things I do. Talk with passion about things I love. Make it a no whinging zone. Well it’s something to aim for at least.
So much has happened in the last couple of months. It’s been crazy when I think about it. But I’m hoping that all these changes will make a bigger and brighter future for myself.
So since in the last 6 months, this has happened:
• my boyfriend moved in with me
• my nan came out of hospital after being in there 4 months
• my brother was diagnosed with Gilbert’s Syndrome
• my boyfriend moved back out due to personal reasons rather than relationship ones
• We broke up due to many
• I found somewhere else to leave so I can move out of the house share I’m currently in
And just last week
• my Dad is rushed into hospital with suspected appendicitis. Although turned out to be something very different and minor
To say I’ve been through the wringer a bit lately is an understatement. In this time I have also been ill. All the result of being run down I’d imagine.
Of course some of the things that I have listed are good, especially the moving part. But they all come with their own stresses. I will be glad when the move is done and I can start leading my life the way I want.
I have regrets about how some things have happened and wish I could have done some things differently. But like my Mum always says. You can’t move forwards by looking backwards.